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I talked about it in a way that I made her understand why the care is just as important as the research. Today was as good of a day, as it could have been. Fernanda came up with the brilliant idea to find an actual mannequin and dress him up like Captain Rex to look like he is playing next to the tree. I think Lacrosse is a good start. I love you. Dr. Sholler was not expecting it, but she smiled and seemed o.k. 31 on Billboard 200 and No. Today, I didnt see anything I liked and I just wanted to rip everything off of the racks. I have never believed in something more in my life, then you. Back to the book. the voice of reason and also the voice of you are clearly insane: People get cancer everywhere, living here would not have changed Ronan getting cancer.. She of course made a ninja plan to help me tomorrow, go and find it. I truly think you thought you were just going to go to sleep and wake up once again, after we got you all better. I miss you. You have to carry this around with you forever, while the ones who cared about Ronan, your family, your friends, get to go on with their lives. Bye Bye Little Sad House! We Have a New Home! - ROCKSTAR RONAN You were innocent. These are kids. This was not something I was going to tell him over the phone. The bloody hell worst day of my life. My days are mostly spent taking care of her while continuing to fight for you and all that was stolen from us. Ro baby. I dont tolerate it. I only wish it were your body wearing it. The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. Your sweet little face. Poppy is developing such a little personality and at 7 months, is already trying to walk. Surgery was done, to remove what was there. My cheeks were soaked with tears after being hit with those 3 things. It felt like home. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. Sometimes I pretend like I am watching a movie or reading a book of a stranger who is living the life that I am living. God, you would have loved that game. I wander in it during the day, looking at the last drawing you did on your easel with a permanent marker on the chalkboard when I told you to use chalk so you wouldnt ruin it. I couldn't take it anymore. I know you know how much we all need her. She loves it and usually just falls asleep the entire time. It all started with the meeting of a lady who is such a badass in the cancer world, that Darth Vader would be scared of her. Just because I am tired and sick does not mean I have to roll over and totally give into that, right?? This baby girl is going to be the most loved little baby girl in the world. I chose to see you today. Everything is different. February 22, 2011 - ROCKSTAR RONAN I hope you are safe. I went to see Dr. JoRo. Then, the very itty bitty baby contractions started. I am so tired of this life without you. I love you. I have been getting through the days alright really; I suppose. Maybe after she gets here, my mind will change but as of now, it has not. I buried my head into the steering wheel and just gave into everything I needed to let out. I know we talked about it, but I dont remember all the things you told me. FUCK THAT SHIT. Romazing. I love you. http://emotionalmojo.comMy first real interview is Monday. I will do my best to get through the day. Mission accomplished without having a breakdown. He is someone you loved so much. Get this done. Ive been telling myself all day this is somebodys elses life and not my own. I dont remember the last time Ive written to you and I dont like that. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. It shouldnt be, because of this beyond fucked up fuckery that she is surviving. Come on. So much has happened and so much is going on that I dont even know what to address first. Him: Get home, o.k.? Quinn had 18 points last weekend. Where is Ronan? Everything seems heightened to the max. I leave soon. You know what I told him today? I will never be o.k. Nobody deserves to get cancer, but especially not children. Up, showered, packed, Starbucks, hit the road, lets get outta this big city. Mr. Sparkly Eyes: Well, how are you going to Fuck Cancer if you are sick? the chuckling begins. I had my hand on my keyboard to skip it, but I told myself that today, I would listen to it. She sat with me for a good half an hour to discuss how I am doing, how I am feeling, how I am dealing with all of this, and how much I miss you. Im so lucky to have her, Ro. She obviously gets those from your daddy. I had forgotten about that story that happened while Woody and I were in a Nordstrom Rack in San Diego. A little seal with the biggest eyes. Do I usually have this hard of a time, every year, right before the holidays? I didnt survive this. All I can do is my best and I want to do this the right way, not the rushed way. Today is an amazing example of good things that will keep me going. It started Wednesday night. Anybody that says otherwise, can fuck off. on Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. I always skip over it if it comes on my playlist. Guess what? I said, tears still falling everywhere. Im really going to kick your ass now! Stacy. Just as I was saying to her, How am I going to survive these next two months? A text popped up on my phone. Marisa. But more importantly, our kids deserve more funds from our government. A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach. I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. Fuck. Tomorrow is here, too. You are a writer, plain and simple. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. Mostly my day was filled with my tears that seemed never-ending. Candice from TGen was kind enough to make sure I got to meet Dr. Sholler today. We both left our breakfast/meeting, speechless to say the least. No need for bullshit or pretending. I miss you. You are so right. Nothing gets easier. Everything feels extra heavy, hard, sad, and the slightest things take up every ounce of energy I have just to get through the day. Good friends. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. Your brothers are playing a slew of sports 24/7. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. I asked him how I was ever supposed to face the world again as I never went anywhere without Ro, my little partner in crime. I love you. We Have a NewHome! You know I will always say yes to New York. Please work harder because there is a reason you are here. I hid my tears from everyone, as not to upset your brothers. He looked at me the other morning and asked what was going on, that I was having such an awful time sleeping. She did not make me feel like the crazy person that I was feeling like which was so nice of her to do. It was a great night, to say the least. THANK YOU. Every year since you left when Mr. Sparkly Eyes' birthday rolls around, I always give him a card that I've made for him through my iPhoto with a picture of you on it. Those two, will always go by their nicknames. Holy smokes I was blown away! This means a ton of busy foundation work, a ton of taking care of your brothers, the way they deserve to be taken care of, a ton of busy things that keep me running throughout the day. I was just happy to finish without injuring myself even more. I went, not knowing what to expect and it was a total adventure. Im better. I dont do well with things that slow me down. That is important to our family. What a day. Beauty. Im o.k. I was always so thankful for what we had. Period. Hello, who the fuck does this life/grief/pregnancy/death fuckwad, think they are dealing with? I pick up and say hello to our favorite lovie and I give him my best Im not crying or sick voice I can. Thank you for all the Roideas today. Not to mention the fact that he is deliciously handsome, insanely talented, and I could just stop and melt right here. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. Although my routine seemed crazy to most, I felt like I thrived in it. Its late now. I truly expected more from you. You know that you could have been in bed for the past year, and we would have all been o.k. I dont think there is any deciding until we actually see this baby girl. When Im not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. It was my best Thanksgiving, ever. Agreed. I almost made your daddy take me to the ER as I thought I was massively dehydrated. He always knows how to cheer me up, but I was still left a little shaken. He made me promise that I would rest and put my feet up. I was so glad I got to tell him my news in person. Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. Throwing you into a warm bath where I would make sure you felt safe, clean, loved and warm. He knows that too. Our conversations area always easy and honest. Bye Bye Little Sad House! Because youve pushed everyone away. I did see my life flash before my very eyes a couple of days ago when I found myself in bed, on my 6th Cadbury Cream Egg, and watching The Kardashians. I had a moment of sheer panic wash over me as I thought to myself, Who am I?? My brain/emotions are fried. Gnite baby doll. Realness. Somebody make this not real because it is too horrific. Can we talk about when you can induce me. Either way, I dont see myself leaving it anytime soon. I dont like being in our house, without you. This is all for now. Mr. Sparkly Eyes - ROCKSTAR RONAN Tag: Mr. Sparkly Eyes Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereaved parents. I have yet to find a good book about what it is like to have a baby, after going through something as traumatic as losing a child to cancer. THANK YOU. Today, was a really happy day full of never-ending tears. I wont ever love the month of May again. He knows that Ive been staying up late, working on this book and I listened to him as he said with urgency in his voice, that I need to get this done so I can Fuck Cancer. I know what the urgency meant. Ive noticed my heart racing a lot like I am having panic attacks again. I came home and started whipping up the pies that I had promised your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Grief. I let myself get lost in my baking. I keep telling myself, I have to get through September first, but I truly dont know if I can wait that long. Its got to be something bad, because too many good things are happening lately. I texted her back, Is it good news or bad news? I was expecting the bad from my friend and foundation president. You are alone. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! They are like the air I breathe and I inhale them as much as I can. Stacy is coming with me. Im sitting in the parking lot. Goodnight, Liam, Goodnight, Ronan. Quinn said. Me: I couldnt talk so I didnt. It scares the shit out of me, for Liam, Quinn, and now this Poppy baby. I wonder if this will ever get easier. She thought we were all lying to her. I went to the Pearl Jam concert a few nights ago with your daddy, Uncle Jay, and Char. Because at the end of the day, its not complicated at all. Yes, it was barbaric. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams. Sweet dreams. She is a hard core vegetarian and has been so for over 20 years. They offered to buy a new one. I imagined myself, slapping your picture up on the screen. Missing but Ill never be able to find you. They so want to help with our mission and were so touched by our story that they created this show called Emotional Mojo. "My darling. Then the pictures just stop because no more can be taken. I never have and never will. I sat today and tried to be productive. Tears all over. Bring on the pies now. A coffee for him. Then I went down that road. I woke up soon after that, totally freaked out by the baby in my dream, talking. Blackness engulfs my forever painfully aching body of grief. Follow up plans were made. You always make sure of this. Shes had it for a while. Go figure. Anything else I need to address tonight?? Im afraid this is the best it is going to get. I had Quinn call your Nana. I am kind of all out of ideas for boy first names, but we know it of course has to be Irish. Some things I like to keep private, like peoples real names. Sometimes I feel like Im grasping at thin air, sometimes I get tired and so very sad, but I have never in my life wanted to give up or quit. But on nights like last night, I dont have a choice. There is a lot of business to attend to, but that never gets in the way of the love and laughter that fills our house while those girls are here. I told your brothers once again, how I really want to name this baby girl, Poppy. I would rather jump out of an airplane, 10 times then have to walk out of PCH with your Captain Rex costume that you will never wear again. I hope you are safe. How surreal this all still seems to me. I had my iTunes on. I hope you are safe. My 2 a.m. witching hour can be fun, Ro! To say I am beyond disappointed, is an understatement. THANK YOU. Flanders is the name of the whole western part of Belgium. I left her office, feeling tired and sad. Oh, Ive also been taking the best care ever of your Poppy sister 24/7. Now, going back to try to read that book is like a sick joke. I love our little unconventional board. All fueled by everything Ronan. I would have chased you like the wind today. I find myself obsessing about your safety, your happiness, your sadness and who is taking care of you when it should beclearly be me. But most of all, I miss you. on Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful momentsinstead, on From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Author rockstarronan Categories Uncategorized Tags Coldplay, Fix you, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Rockstar Ronan. I didnt see him walk up, I only heard him barking some smart ass remark to me, like he always does. She told me I could have chosen to do anything after losing you, but this chose me and its what I will do for the rest of my life. This was my idea as I knew we were going to need a way to get a laugh and some smiles on this trip. I got through your diagnoses and I had no idea writing about that again would leave my head spinning in the way that it did. Cancer can strike at any time and the fact that options for all these kids is so limited, is beyond bullshit. Thank RO for that daddy of yours. I am so very sorry. This year, I know the things in my life that I will be thankful for and my list wont include stupid black friday. She told me she would keep a close eye on me, strip my membranes again, like she did with you if I wanted Poppy to come out a little early. Thanks as always for your love and support. For that, they will forever be my sisters. That somehow by doing everything I am doing, this pain will someday become less and maybe someday, I wont miss you so much that it hurts this badly, all of the time. I find myself obsessing about you and why you are not here. Meg. He was my best friend, the love of my life.. this cant be real. Nothing. Fo shizzle. Its the Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes. A lot of you, ask that in my comments. I lived in this world. I will forever be sorry, sad, and brokenhearted. The song finished. Through my sadness, grief, pain. No trace of black oblivion coma, existed. Can you believe that shit?! The Kardashians?! Dr. I say, Mayor Gregory Stanton for PRESIDENT. It doesnt seem possible. Its hard to have the all ripped away and still look on the bright side of things. I was rocking her yesterday and your daddy came in to check on us. Everyone needs to check them out. Hopefully in the next month or so, Ill have some of my energy back, but until then, I WILL power through this. Ronan. It was weird and creepy and I was so sad when this morning when I didnt have you to tell my story to. I wonder if that was a sign of whats to come. A big city is not where we need to be right now. This is the girl who went skydiving, just because. I am going to take the day that you left me and rename it and make it the name that it deserves. I miss you. A dozen times. Nothing is worth this pain. But I laugh anyway. Now if I can only get those brothers of yours on Team Poppy. Ill check in with you later. I was so thankful to get out of the city. The only ones I feel comfortable taking. Sweet dreams, baby doll. More than anything. I forgot to tell you all that I got a phone call from some lovely peeps that run a T.V. I, of course went to, Oh fuck. Seems nobody wants to take on that topic. Mr. Sparkly Eyes - ROCKSTAR RONAN Ill never forget all the pokies, we had to give you after your rounds of chemo. I had visions of the signs I would hold, while bouncing Poppy on my hip. Reply. You know that speaks volumes in my book. We have all agreed on that. Im not sure what we will do. Yes, it is wrong. Ive been trying to get us all ready for our second Christmas, without you. I did not think anything else could happen today, that would leave me speechless. My nights have been spent writing accompanied by hot flashes and puking over the toilet again due to living this fucked up journey over in my head again and writing it all out to tell our little story. I came home from the Hamptons, as fast as I could, waited as patiently as I could to get to the hospital and plop a big fat kiss on that old mans forehead and look into his sparkly eyes. I hope you are safe. The ultimate sacrifice. She sent me a picture of it today. You have to be mentally and physically exhausted, sweetheart. I miss him when we are away so much. There was complete devastation. I left there feeling like I am somewhat in control of this even though I know I am not. This staying in bed and waiting to die, because Im pregnant and tired, is bullshit. Start over. Compassion. His keys, our son, on our dresser. I promise to be the best little tenant ever. But oh, how much fun would a little baby girl be. A heavy wave of sadness washed over me. I huffed and puffed. THANK YOU. Welcome to our new home! They turned out beautifully. Tears of both happiness and sadness. I sat back with our friends and watched the way the 4 of our boys became fast friends, laughing and giggling together. Your Master Yoda, your Spirit Hood, your gigi blanket. Happily. I am not playing by the fluffy rules. Consider it done. he said. Ronan really wanted a girl. This led to him calling my phone. But now we have an office! The thought of the ER and the reality that would come with it, kept me at home, chugging Gatorade. I cannot even get a flu shot without thinking of you. Then perfect baby Ronan. Do not let him be taken away. My time sucked but today, I had nothing to prove at all. ! because thats what I totally felt like. Walking in with it was easy. My due date is April. The problem Im facing is I may have too much material, and too much to say. Twenty freaking one. Oh god. Maybe Poppy will even make an appearance;). A few nights ago I was at my office working on my book, but I needed to take a little time out so I started to go through my pictures of you to make his card. They fill me with things like a fire and a drive that I never knew I had. Ronan is of course over the moon to spend the day with one of his brothers. Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights wont be blurry from mytears? Nothing could have prepared me for what it is like to be pregnant, after losing you. It makes me feel happy. I must have sat and stared at that picture for a good five minutes. It cannot be real because it is too awful. There were sooooo many happy people, everywhere. Basketball, Baseball, and Flag Football. I woke up around midnight, your daddy still gone. I love you. I hope you are safe. There is not a second of the day, that I do not miss you. I wonder if my sleep will ever be the same again. I know the power of our love can take the worst thing possible, and help others. I know she meant it because she is such a true friend like that. Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. He should have been mine, for the rest of MY life. Youre doing too much.. Our seal needed a little make-over and update. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. THANK YOU. Just the usual? he asked. I should have been his, for much more than almost 4 years. Stress. He made fun of them and made me laugh. Case in point, conversation with your daddy in the car. Why are you not at your F U Cancer Starbucks office today?, me: Im sick. I dont remember it being this way with you and your brothers, but your daddy says he does. Taylor Swift - ROCKSTAR RONAN I told him I would, but only because he told me to do so. was when it was all I could do not to crawl under the table and curl up in a ball. I am trying to relish in all the beauty of this but it is secretly making me hostile. Crazy workouts. They both cannot believe this. I will make you both proud. And in the cancer world, with this organization, that is absolutely the case. We could use your little one to put on the mannequin. But because I know what happens when I listen to that song. I love that man and the concert was unreal. I hope you are safe. I told her I knew. I think that is appropriate since it is the day that cancer stole you. Now that Ive met you, youre in. It was like I was let into the most exclusive club that ever existed. I know for a fact that you would be playing all the sports that your brothers are and dominating in every way. I know tomake a statementlike that is a bold thing to say, but I can say without a doubt, she has saved my life. As always, it was good. Dr. Schwartz asked how I was feeling. Even if you dont mean it or dont feel like it. All I know is this is the way it is. It is being worked on and will be re launched soon as we also have a new foundation logo to unveil. Gladly. Such a little skeptic he is. Her secret is not something you can get at med school. It stopped and looked my way. I miss you. I just told him I had a lot going on in my head, like always. I have tried to be as productive as possible. By taking a little time out to go to New York. What perfect timing. Ireland! I almost fell over. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. I may have lost it last week which left me doing my normal screams and crying to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Having her in your room was a good decision on our part. We talked about New York for a bit. This never works, but I will continue to try for the rest of my life. They stuck by me during my darkest of days. Please keep watching over Ben with the Bald Head for me. I cleaned myself up and continued on to my pumpkin pie. How could my totally healthy, beautiful baby boy be so healthy, and then have fucking stage 4 cancer just like that? I woke up to a quiet house. That raccoon was very likely stalking the cat to eat it. I can do this. Sorry if that was TMI, but if youve ever carried a baby, you know what I am talking about. So we would be doing all different things. This is why, I have been doing everything from our house. A nice email that once again, came again at the most perfect timing. I spent the rest of the morning calling and texting our closest peeps. We had such an amazing turn out and I felt like I was floating in a sea of purple the entire day. Becca. This is the Captain Rex that will go under your tree at PCH this year. I feel myself slipping into my alone place, not wanting to connect with anyone. Its fucking depressing, to say the least. I have been so public with everything and after everything we have gone through, I want this little girl to enter this world as peacefully as possible. Because if I dont have things to do, I just wont do anything at all and that is not a good place for me to be. Im sorry for everything. I do think this is true. Neuroblastoma was only touched on a few times but I found that when it was being talked about in charts, graphs, statistics. Mr. Sparkly Eyes - Page 3 - ROCKSTAR RONAN Not even her. This led to me bawling on the phone. I wiped my tears away and let him tell me it was going to be alright. Ive been trying all week to get over to PCH to grab your Captain Rex costume that we used to decorate the Christmas Tree. Go, go, go. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Categories Uncategorized Tags angels, arizona, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, Family, god, Lazer Tag, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Neuroblastoma, Phoenix, Rockstar Ronan, sloan kettering, The Ronan Thompson Foundation, true love 11 Comments on Moneyball, Liz. I dont get to scold you when you are being naughty The only way I can get to you, is through these things that I am so desperately trying to do. I might have to end this now. Then the next letter, from a mom, whos husband is working 3 jobs, they have nothing, but she cleaned out her change drawer. Fuck. Fucking cancer. It was Dr. Schwartz telling me that she just got the flu shot in and she was highly recommending that I get one. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. What is wrong with me? You with a baby girl. Please!!!!!!! You deserved better, Ronan and I will forever be so sorry that after everything that we tried and did for you that it death was still the final outcome. with this crazy girl hugging her and trying to find the words to tell her thank you. Last night, when I woke up in that hotel room, only to find your daddy and brothers, and you were nowhere to be found.. well, what can I say? I have a ways to go. Its the walking out with it that I just cannot bring myself to do. I told him I need at least 30 more years of him here. Ronan. I sacrifice myself, for them. So much so that at one point I told her I felt like my vagina was going to fall out due to the heaviness of carrying Poppy. Im not even a nurse. I would like to think so. We talked about Poppy for a while. P.S. Shot after shot after shot. Fuck. I told your Mr. Sparkly Eyes how I thought that you and your sister had planned that I went into labor on the 8th, so that when the 9th came around, I wouldnt be so sad because I would be holding your baby sistersafe and soundin my arms. I was not going to mention to him, how I had been crying most of the day but apparently my bloodshot eyes were not cooperating. But he was stolen from me by childhood cancer.