The bottom line is that if youre thinking about starting the relationship again, you must think about it carefully. So before you take your ex back, make sure your ex wants you for you and not just because your ex can benefit from you and rely on you emotionally. When you receive a text or call from an ex years after the breakup, the very first thing you must do is learn why your ex reached out to you. However, the primary reason the no contact rule works is that you're not supposed to respond to your ex. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Any normal ex would respect the life youve built for yourself and keep it moving. I said I didn't have any expectations of him, but I wanted to take ownership and say "I'm sorry" and took responsibility. Your mentality has changed, and things are not how they used to be. It helps us feel less alone and like were among others when we do video calls, but they also can drain energy when youre also spending long days on work video conferences. Heartbreak Burnout. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Will defo not repy if he decides to reach out again! My Ex Is Drinking/Partying After A Breakup, whether you think your ex can make a good friend, how much emotional progress youve made since the breakup, and how much respect you have for your ex, how your familys doing (not to be mistaken for an indirect approach to break the ice), how you perceive your ex and feel about him or her, Your ex could also be very direct and say . Lets explore the possible reasons behind an ex trying to make their way back into your life: Exes come back after months. My ex contacted me after about 3 years of no contact. She is remarried and I do not want to interrupt that but I never had a chance to thank her for being such a great step mom to my children even after we were not in contact. Thanks for replying, I figured it probably was. Learn how your comment data is processed. Until you reach 41 weeks, your provider may not do anything unless there are problems. Its up to you. He studied at the University of Amsterdam and has a bachelor's in Clinical Psychology. In other cases, receiving a text from an ex can immediately bring up feelings of annoyance, dread or even fear particularly if the relationship was a toxic and unhappy one that you want distance from. Do what's best for you. Three times in ten years sounds just like he wants some (very minimal) contact with someone who he spent five years of his life with. When you know why he or she reached out, youll be able to decide whether talking to your ex is even a good idea. Like a lot of reasons on this list, this might be totally unconscious. This reminds us that whatever the threat is that were facing, it can be overcome. Maybe they are still holding grudges against you and decided this is the right time to serve the cold dish of revenge. It took a bunch of direct messages to make it very clear that I dont want to contact him, Ash, a 31-year-old activist, tells us. Exes sometimes need years to process the breakup and find reasons to communicate. People are not static, and friendships that cant shift and grow as people do just cant endure. Curiosity mainly. I saw them looking around. Anywho, all of this is to say that I haven't had a good experience with an ex trying to reach out. later: 1. They dont want to hear how youre doing through the grapevine. So, be a good human being and talk about it to your partner. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! 7. And I felt much better letting him know how much I'd cared about him during our relationship even though I hadn't expressed that in words well enough back then. So, I am trying to find someone to talk to, who will be unbiased toward my situation. Very small group of 3,500 so chance of me seeing a message from her I worked out was like 20 million to one. And if theres a new partner in the picture, the green-eyed monster might rear its ugly head. I (M32) am having trouble with my ex (F30) as she keeps trying to contact me years after we broke up. Someone in their life could have randomly brought you up in conversation. The tests may show that the baby is active and healthy, and the amount of amniotic fluid is . What do you intend to do now that your ex contacted you? Maybe it is best to let it be. Its strange to call your ex to find out if they think the same as them, but it happens because you still feel connected to your ex. Do exes come back after leaving for someone else? If you have a partner, think of them as well. CNBC recently reported that 80% of active fund managers are falling behind the major indexes. At the time of our relationship, I was still keeping a lot to myself emotionally. Although your ex could want you back, its much more likely that he or she will just want to find out how you feel about him/her and try to learn what youve been up to. You and your ex may not be friends on social media, but theyve managed to gain access to your page, and they know all about the wonderful life youre living without them. Just ask, Why did you reach out to me after all this time? Your ex will likely be at a loss of words at first, but soon either give you the truth or half-truth. TL;DR: Yes, because our break-up needed closure. Go away. Youll wonder if your ex wants to talk about random things or discuss something important. If you were in an abusive relationship, the best thing to do when your ex reaches out is not to respond. later: Unfortunately, the knowledge that youre there still pining away for them (whether your are or not) can be just the springboard that they need to feel good about themselves. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. The X-Men timeline desperately needed to sync up at one point, and 2014's "X-Men: Days of Future Past" was the vehicle that helped mash together the multiple versions of "X-Men" history. This isnt the time to look for alternative sources of happiness. Have you ever considered getting back with your ex? | If your relationship ending with your ex has left you in a therapists room, it is wiser to leave the ex in the past. Do you like how your life looks without your ex? 8 Things To Do When Your Ex Contacts You Years Later, 4. Temper expectations, but reach out if its something you feel you would like to doregardless of the response. Here are six common reasons for exes getting back together years later. Jaseena tells us how to put a lid on overthinking. Here are 7 reasons your ex might pop up months (or even years!) It's a theme in literature, film, TV shows even in the way products are marketed. If it was a nasty breakup and you still have some resentment toward this person, you will have to fight the urge to not curse them out loud. Life can be so cruel at times as she was the love of my life and my heart never let me forget her. He'd called when I wasn't home, and I never returned his phone call. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. They may sincerely hope to reconnect with you and get back together even though it might not look like that on the surface. They know they could never have given you the life you have now. It creates so much confusion because your ex's actions are conflicting. Before we talk about what to do when an ex reaches out after no contact, we need to discuss what "after" means. You are about to put a lot at stake here. But do it because you want to re-connect from where you are now in your life, not expecting to re-connect in a way that doesn't reflect the ways in which you may have changed and grown over time. No but an ex reached out to me after 15 years to commiserate because he's stuck in a bad marriage and a bald, portly man now. Whats sad is during a 2.5 year separation period I had no idea how she felt. I dont want to bring up the passed too, rather move forward for the sake of everyone involved. If youre feeling a bit confused and overwhelmed by your ex contacting you, speak to a trusted friend or family member. I once reached out though, in a moment of guilt and stress, to an ex in attempt to apologize for everything that happened (at that time 4yrs in the past. You never know how valuable your reach-out might be to another. Most adults in their 40s and up spent long hours on the telephone as teenagersthey were the way we deepened friendships, kindled romances, and were able to comfortably whisper our deepest secrets or express our angerwhen there was no other way to get close to the friend, romantic interest, or ex-romantic interest. 10 Signs Your Ex Is Testing You | How To Respond? They dont get to stalk you on social media and meeting you in person is beyond their reach. Related Reading: 9 Reasons You Miss Your Ex And 5 Things You Can Do About It. You can also use the online chat. But dont rush into setting a date for a catch-up over coffee. That's an interesting angle I did not consider, I'm glad it helped! In one job interview, he is asked to name the most significant world event in the last ten years. I should mention that we both agreed it was for the best. When an ex contacts you years later, how you take it, how you feel about it, and how you react to it will all pretty much depend on how well you have healed from it, says Jaseena, If the ex had exited without closure or ghosted you, youre probably going to be in a whirlwind of emotions when you receive this text. Granted, I was also really young comparatively (mid-twenties) and I didn't understand that closure comes from yourself, not another person (I had a really wonderful therapist help me work through this paradigm-shift). It felt good verifying that intuition. This is not about playing games, its about knowing if you really want to restart a conversation with a person who you have dated in the past. I was living back in our old area for a little while and had been spending every weekend that summer at a beach club. Several reasons exes may contact you are below. It was so dumb, just irrational avoidance and not being ready yetThe five-year gap was apparently not enough, lol. If we cross paths I will thank her otherwise I am letting this one go. This is considered breadcrumbing as he was concerned about your health. With the help of consultant psychologist Jaseena Backer (MS Psychology), who is a gender and relationship management expert, lets figure out what you can do to cope with this mysterious text your ex has sent. I confirmed that I had actually found out I was pregnant with his child shortly after we broke up but I didnt abort it. Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on Telegram (Opens in new window), Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window), My Ex Is With Someone Else But Still Contacts Me, decide if you want to be friends with your ex, They return because their life doesnt go according to plan, what to do when your ex contacts you years later, when an ex boyfriend contacts you years later, when an ex girlfriend contacts you years later, When A Guy Cries At The Thought Of Losing You. Ive written about the signs that your ex secretly wants you back and what really happens when they do but Ive neglected a little fuzzy grey area. Your ex may not want you back, but when it takes your ex years to reach out, you can tell that your ex has been thinking about you for so long that he or she changed some opinions of you and mustered up the courage to contact you. Ah, ex sex. September 8, 2022 by Zan. I guess, theoretically, the other person could help you find closure but they don't need to do that, and asking them to do that is a big and (possibly) inappropriate task to put upon an ex. In addition, we might reach out to friends who have been there before, and dealt with a life-altering event. Don't get comfortable and slide back into old habits. For many adults, that can fuel the attraction to Facebook friends from high school daysthey remind us of a time when we were more self-assured than we might be now, more carefree, and probably with a greater sense of agency in our lives. It really depends on a number of circumstances such as the cause of your breakup, whether your ex has moved on completely or not, if your ex hates you or has no bad feelings towards you. What does it mean when an ex contacts you years later? Theres no doubt you had mind-blowing sex with your ex, but that was all there was to the relationship. The first thing most people think when anex contactsthem is that they want something. I think you should let this one go. 1. A few months after his phone call, my family moved again, this time to the other side of the country. When you receive a response to Why did you reach out, discern if your ex means what he or she says by paying attention to your exs attitude. Every relationship ends differently and there is no strict rulebook to follow when it comes to dealing with an ex contacting you years later. Is there space for them if youre planning on letting your ex back into your life? The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. I told him I am married now. Theyve heard youre single and so have decided to try their luck and see if youll agree to go for a drink. I felt that she was just trying to ease her guilt rather than anything else, and it wasnt my job to do that. So if youre figuring out what to do if an ex contacts you after years, the first thing you should do is figure out how well you have healed., Talking about how texts from her ex ended up wreaking havoc in her life, Rebecca, a teacher from Michigan, shares, My ex got married but still contacts me and my current partner couldnt be angrier about it. We welcome the Reddit community to elicit opinions on a variety of matters from our community of women ages 30 and up. Maybe they want you to come to the hospital and say goodbye, or theyre calling to invite you to the funeral. On a whim, I looked to see if he was on Facebook. But the only one I have on social media now is the one that took my virginity. If exes come back when you stop caring, youve got to make sure you remember not to rush into anything and not over-indulge. It could be your mental peace, could be the relationship with your new partner. When you get a text from an ex, all youre probably thinking about is what they want. My wife got sick after 2 years and I have been her carer since. Just take your time. That doesnt, however, mean that you should talk to her, keep getting closer, and abandon your wife. 2 Take a moment to work through how you feel before replying. He thought were friends and the fact that he cheated on me was very conveniently swept under the rug. I sent an ex a sincere apology letter. Seeing your ex after a long time could be extremely overwhelming. My ex contacted me after 18 months of no contact during lockdown. If your ex and you had a very on-again-off-again kind of relationship, do you think bringing that back into your life is a healthy decision? We all think back and wonder why it what if or how different have I become? He'd already tried to reach out to me a couple times, but I wasn't ready. You havent heard from your ex in years, and theyre contacting you out of nowhere. And if everything else fails, go with your gut feeling when an ex contacts you suddenly. Theres a chance she wants you back, but be careful about that. Naturally, it can make your exes come back when you stop caring. And for people who arent just trying to cushion the blow while their ex is weeping in front of them, it can be really tough to say no to an ex who reaches out in a friendly way. ). Strangely, I am going through health issues and was quite surprised about his message. I'd been warm and affectionate with him, but except during sex (we were each others first), I never said I loved him. Now, she wants to meet for coffee and I cant resist myself because I still need that closure. There was a certain sense of familiarity and comfort in your relationship which is simply hard to replace. We'd dated in high school, and our break-up was sudden and immature. Your ex probably felt apprehensive about contacting you after so many years, but because your ex was curious about you or needed a favor or something else from you, he or she contacted you anyway. Advertisement. As mentioned, they may just be contacting you to see how you are. Youre married with beautiful children, successful, and go on the most amazing vacations. You had strong feelings for your ex, things didnt end well, and you dont want them disrupting your life. Even if I couch them in "we didn't know any better, but you did X"? The first time he reached out, he called me a monster because I aborted a pregnancy I had with him when I was 15. If they have written, Hey! While you tactfully avoid tapping on the notification, it can throw your whole mojo off-balance. Most people go through lifehidingparts of their character because theyre afraid of being judged. Before you start having two-hour-long conversations with your ex after midnight, think about how your current partner will feel. If you still have feelings for this ex, and are considering the prospect of getting back together, dont just jump into it. That was all he wanted and said hes glad Im ok, never heard from him since. Your heart might start beating faster the moment you get a text from the ex but take a few minutes to think about the consequences if you end up meeting the ex again. You have to be careful. PostedMay 1, 2020 Katie writes, "Hi Susan! And if you are in a serious relationship, it is always better to loop your partner in on the little developments on the ex-front. Youve both moved on, got a new partner, and were happy, so whats the motive? Yeah - no. I think it is best I keep my distance to avoid stirring the pot. Absolutely nothing, your ex doesnt have an ulterior motive. Related Reading: 9 Reasons Ignoring Your Ex Is Powerful, Derek, this guy who lives in my building, often shares his life stories with me as we cross paths in the hall. I will stay in a chaotic state of mind until I find out what they want after all these days.. Hi Zan, I got a message on Linkedin today andI'm so confused (the message said I came up in their feed I don't even know how that's possible we live in opposite side of the world, work in different industries and don't share contacts)? You might be the kind of person who does not stay friends with their exes and the sudden texting might throw you off guard. Also, a Caffeine headed individual whose day consists of bouts of contemplation about life and afterlife. If you had a deep friendship backing up the passionate side of your relationship, they can feel like you are still a soft place to fall, emotionally. If you stay in no contact (and you should), youll recover in a matter of days (most likely). I did the same thing with my ex - apologized for my abusive behavior toward him in the past and made it clear I wasn't looking for anything else from him. In fact, it can help minimize our own sense of anxiety. I think he feels very alone in life right now and he reached out because he saw I was connected to his sister on social media. She said she feels guilty for our relationship (as I was involved with someone else at the time.) Other rekindled friendships will wane and possibly evaporate again, but they will leave the friends feeling better for having connected. Thank you Zan for your perspective. Commentdocument.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a2a4ca169ddda5052d135fd7416bc0e6" );document.getElementById("i2dc42b6e0").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Alexander Burgemeester has a Master in Neuropsychology. As you say, it was likely just an attempt to ease her guilt. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. In your mind, it's been a while since you broke up, and in the meantime, it feels like a lot of water has passed under the bridge. Maybe theyve spent the past couple of years thinking about how perfect you were together and that they havent had a better relationship since. If your relationship was healthy, you might not feel the need to speak to the person, or you may still have them in your life. He or she controls everything up until the point when he or she suggests a certain type of relationship. This was a little bit before the internet was such a big thing, so he wasn't able to find me online. Sometimes time apart makes your ex realize what they lost when they walked away from your relationship. Does your ex normally ghost you for many months and then re-establish contact like its the good old days? Perhaps you could lend me an ear?. 10 Reasons Why Girls Want To Stay Friends After a Breakup, 8 Subtle Ways Guys Hint They Like You Without Saying It, 22 Painful Signs Hes Not Into You (Anymore), What To Do When An Ex Reaches Out After Years, Is It Common For Exes To Get Back Together Years Later. A little bit of backstory, when I was younger I was in the Air Force and stationed at a Air base in another state. I feel a lot better then I did then knowing the what ifs., I'm sorry she did not get back to you, I understand wanting to heal a friendship. If your relationship went on for any significant period of time, it can be really easy to start fantasizing about how awesome dating is going to be once its over. Its been quite some time since she was a stepmom to your kids, so theres probably no need to message her now. Many exes contact their previous partners years later. Three words: Manage your expectations. I think you did the right thing. Remember, friendships are often place-bound or time-bound relationships and their remembered intensity may be reflecting more about the intensity of that period of your life rather than the depth of that friendship. Will things be better now? The best way to handle this is by understanding the fact that sometimes a text is just a text, says Jaseena. He or she needed these things so that life (especially health and well-being) could go back to the way they were prior to getting hurt and reaching out for support. . so yeah. Despite their problems in their relationship, they were soul mates, and theyd never been able to find such a deep connection with anyone else since the break-up. Turns out she was in a 12 step program and got to the step where she was supposed to make up with those she'd done wrong in the past. Years after that, I was going to be back in our old area again. When an ex suddenly gets in touch with you out of the blue, it can be a confusing and frustrating situation. But instead of telling yourself something like, My ex contacted me after 2 years and Im starting to think they have genuinely changed, try to take a minute to assess the whole situation. Say, you have been applying the no-contact rule after the breakup, be it a mutual decision or one-sided. If you still have feelings for your ex, that doesnt mean you should talk to your ex and get your hopes up. Dont make up stories when your partner asks you, Why would an ex contact you years later? Be honest and tell them the truth about what your ex has texted you. Society typically tells us that people don't change. On a bitter note, they couldnt handle the happy, successful life you are leading. How many do, I don't know. He had no intention of getting back with you romantically. They return because their life doesnt go according to plan, so they remember their exes and use them as a backup plan. This is particularly common with exes who feel stifled in the relationship, and as though they were missing out on something else by being with you. You must keep in mind that your ex (the dumper) decides what kind of a relationship is possible. Your ex might be a changed person more decency, less infidelity. Observe the way he or she speaks to you and see how long it takes for your ex to lose interest and stop talking. There is no pretentious behavior, and they are comfortable with each other. They didnt expect you to be this chirpy so soon. If the apologizing part of the plan goes well, they might even express their willingness to get back together. There is simply no need to reconnect with him now that youre married and doing well. It could mean that your ex received forgiveness, validation, or that he or she eased curiosity. After carefully analyzing every possibility, when you finally respond, it turns out all they wanted was the phone number of your dog groomer. Similar to blaming, Paul says anger is a sign that they have not moved on, which tracks with the grief stage of a breakup. I didnt feel empowered by her reaching out, just felt sad more than anything else. Press J to jump to the feed. Now theyve matured, they realize how terrible of a partner they were and how their actions could have caused you to have trust issues. I hadn't recognized him at all bc he was a late bloomer -- he'd still been boy-looking back when I'd known him. He has to now find a job in stead. He then kept trying to reach out later because he was convinced a cartel was trying to kill him and it was my fault. Secondly, it also gives us evidence that . The important thing to remember is to be honest. He didn't know where I moved to. Instead of overthinking about what they might want, you should focus on where you stand in this whole situation. They Want A Shoulder To Cry On After the X Date, the Treasury would be unable to pay about 40% of its bills, BPC said, based on an analysis of daily cash flows. I understand why one might feel this way to be honest. Thanks to you, I got myself together :)) I know ex wanted me back at first, but I didn't want that. Its not helpful, though, to go into any reconnection with too many expectations. You dont need to reply if you dont want to (things could get out of hand). They're angry with you. A closure response. Im guessing shes trying to do something to clear her conscience. Only exes who dont talk for 5 years or more sometimes start to change their opinion of their ex. How have you been?, dont conclude that the nasty text they sent to you while breaking up meant nothing, and that they want to get back together. If you are in a monogamous relationship and your exs texting you is making your heart throb in your stomach, you need to spill it to your partner. Anyways, the first time we broke up (friendship) was 2017. Also, if you had fixable problems in your relationship that they didnt solve when you were together, they might have changed that about themselves and pop up in an attempt to show off or get you back. They started dating in 2003 when they were in university. Before she had the chance to process this heartbreak, this ex-partner resurfaced out of nowhere. What is their intention? Thanks once again. It's always best to think your course of action through first, and that includes whether you want to even respond. I didnt reach out to an ex-partner but I reached out to an ex-friend. She didnt have the basic courtesy to offer me an explanation, says Elena, To this day, I wonder what went wrong in our perfectly happy relationship that she had to back off like that! Theres no generic advice on what to do when your ex contacts you after years. You might know this from what you have heard from your mutual friends. These may be friends, family members, and love interests whom they may have wounded emotionally or with whom they fell out and its totally normal to want to find a way to resolve longstanding issues and gain a sense of peace. Truth be told, seeing your ex gallivanting around happily after your breakup isnt what anyone wants. After the initial gloomy impact of the breakup is lifted, they perceive that leaving you (or cheating on you) was a huge mistake. If the relationship was abusive, its not advised for your physical and mental safety to get back with your ex.